A couple of weeks ago, a lady at church asked if she could give me one of her mustard seeds. I said yes, and she handed me the tiniest jar I had ever seen. Inside was a single seed, a mustard seed. (Pictured above).
For weeks I looked at it, sometimes every other day, sometimes several days in a row. I felt like I was supposed to write something about it, but nothing came at that time. But today I felt led to share a personal testimony.
As it says in Matthew 17:20, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” This tiny seed reminded me that even the smallest faith, when placed in God’s hands, can lead to incredible transformation.
I graduated from law school in May 2020 and sat for the “COVID Bar” that October1. By God’s grace, I passed the California Bar on the first try, even though I had attended law school in Mississippi and had never taken a California specific course (Just lots of bar prep lol). At the time, I thought the trajectory of my life was set. Everything looked like it was on the incline. In June 2021, I started my first law firm job. On paper, things were great. I had a decent salary, stability, and what looked like a bright future.
While I was excelling at the work, internally the job was challenging me in ways I could not ignore. While I was seemingly imploding on the inside, no one knew because I kept my game face on in the office. But my body began reacting like it was warring against me. I did not expect to see that in what was supposed to be a professional space. There was yelling, cursing, and a lack of camaraderie that constantly kept me on edge. Even though I had started therapy during COVID and learned all the “right” coping skills, the truth was this job exposed places in me that were still raw. Eventually, I hit my breaking point and left the job burned out. Looking back, I realize I should have left much earlier, but I stayed longer than I should have because of ego, the voices of people I valued, and because I cared more about what staying would mean for my resume than what leaving would mean for my well being and obedience to God.
As I moved on to other law firm jobs, I quickly found out that this type of environment (maybe minus the cursing) was the norm of the law firm jobs I held. There was belittling, lack of value, lack of camaraderie, and a cutthroat culture. And as a younger Black woman who spoke up (in what I know was a respectful way), I quickly found out that no matter how good the work product was, I was always on the chopping block in environments where I was unsupported and looked at as replaceable. These experiences only reinforced the need to protect my mental, emotional, and spiritual well being, and eventually, to listen to the call God was placing on my life to step away.
When I reflect on those years, I see now that my resume does not hold much weight compared to what I gained by stepping away and sitting in the presence of God. He showed me that I had spent most of my twenties making sure the outside looked good, while neglecting the inside. These first years of my 30s have been spent primarily doing the heart work, the work on the internal parts of me that I had tried to pray away for so many years, only to discover that I needed to walk through and process what I had longed would just disappear.
So much so that when I started going to my current church, the Holy Spirit instructed me to show up differently than I normally would have. The mandate was simple: do not draw attention to yourself. For almost three years, I followed that instruction. I kept things simple and quiet, even though I love dressing up and presenting myself a certain way. During that time, I realized what God was doing was for my character. He told me the people who needed to see me in that season would see me. And honestly, if more eyes had been on me while He was still refining me mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, I would have been vulnerable to letting the wrong things lead—my talents, my abilities, and the image of “looking the part.” For years, I had lived by faking it until I made it. God was teaching me to stop.
Through therapy and the Holy Spirit, I began a real journey of healing. I cannot say I am perfect, and for the first time in my life, I do not even want to be. God showed me that trauma is not my story. I do not have to be a lesser version of myself for the spaces He is calling me to. That truth still makes me nervous, because what He is asking of me is bigger than me. And honestly, I do not even know the fullness of it yet.
In my first year in Los Angeles, God asked me if I was willing to walk away from my career for Him. I did not understand. I had worked so hard to get to this point. I told Him I was willing to leave law firms, but I was not ready to release my dream of becoming a Hollywood executive. I had even started making connections and getting into the right rooms. But in that season, God intervened. Left to my own devices, I would have gotten myself exactly where I wanted to be, just not where He wanted me.
I do not know what the future holds or if God will bring those dreams back around in His way and timing. What I do know is that His message was clear: He wanted me out of where I was. So now, I am stepping out on faith and releasing what He asks me to release.
It can seem scary to fully rely on God, especially for someone like me who is still a recovering perfectionist. But He has positioned me in such a way that trusting Him is my only real option. So here I am, sitting at His feet. A little uncertain, yes, but with mustard seed faith that whatever He wills is exactly what will come to pass.
A Word for You
Maybe you are in a place right now where God is nudging you to let something go, whether it is a job, a dream, a relationship, or even a version of yourself that no longer fits where He is taking you. Maybe you have been holding on out of fear, pride, or the opinions of others, just like I did.
(Please know, I am not telling anyone to leave their job or make a drastic move. What I am encouraging you to do is to seek God and ask Him if there is something He is asking you to release, whatever that may be.)
If that is you, I encourage you to take a moment to pause and ask Him: What are You asking me to release? Where are You asking me to trust You more?
It does not have to be a giant leap all at once. Sometimes it is as small as a mustard seed of faith. But that tiny seed, planted in obedience, is enough for God to move mountains.
So today, I challenge you: trust Him with one thing. Release it into His hands and watch how He begins to work in your heart, your character, and your path.
Footnotes
- The term “COVID Bar” refers to the October 2020 California Bar exam, which, like all state bar exams, is normally administered in person over two days annually—in February or July for California. The October 2020 exam was held online due to the pandemic and was particularly stressful for many graduates because of the unique challenges of studying and taking a high-stakes exam during one of the most mentally challenging times in recent history, when mental health issues were at an all-time high
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