Before You Clap Back: Two Things Can Be True

Unplanned, this is part two of yesterday’s blog post on church hurt—specifically when the hurt is emotional, whether intentional or unintentional.

One of the things my journey has taught me is this: two things can be true at the same time.
Someone could have hurt me—coincidentally or on purpose—but just as important as the hurt itself is my response to it.

God started dealing with me on the subject of offense early in my career as an attorney. I was working with someone who may or may not have been a little racist… This person was also in a role subordinate to mine. One day she did something that offended me, and I responded in a negative way.

Now, many people would say my reaction was justified. But later, I felt convicted about it.

A corrective voice inside nudged me:

“You think that because you can check a box on someone’s behavior, that gives you the right to respond negatively.”

In other words—if the person was racist (or sexist, or insert any other wrong behavior here), did that automatically give me the right to respond in kind? Not quite.

That was a teachable moment for me. The question became: even if a negative reaction feels appropriate, is it the right response?

Here’s the truth: there is always an opportunity for offense, but there is also always an opportunity to respond in love—regardless of the other person’s actions.

For a long time, that was easier said than done. If people hurt or offended me, I wanted them to feel me. I wanted them to hurt more. Because as the old saying goes, hurt people hurt people.

So yes, I acknowledge the reality of church hurt—whether emotional, physical, or mental—and how it can harm people, even turn them away from love, especially those still immature in their spiritual growth. (Not “immature” as an insult, but in the way Scripture describes spiritual immaturity.)

But I’ve learned to be careful about coming to final judgment when I’m discerning a situations or the actions of others. Human judgment is flawed. When we’re offended, we can create entire scenarios in our minds that don’t line up with reality.

For example, just because I didn’t like one response from someone doesn’t necessarily mean they dislike me. There’s a difference between recognizing a pattern of harmful behavior over time and misunderstanding someone because I don’t truly know them—or because I’m interpreting their actions through my own unhealed wounds.

That’s why I try to stay in the posture of Psalm 139:23:

“Search me, God, and know my heart.”

Because even if “it’s them,” my reactions always reveal something I can learn from.

When we’re predisposed to believe the worst about a group of people—say, “church people”—then every interaction subconsciously reaffirms that belief. It leaves the door wide open for negative thought patterns to take root.

This doesn’t mean ignoring genuine patterns of harm in the church. It means that as we require grace, we must also be willing to extend it. It means questioning our own intentions (because our feelings can lie to us) just as much as we question the actions and intentions of others.

This is a growth mindset—recognizing that some of our conditioned responses are rooted in past pain, and that sometimes we attribute the effects of our wounds to people who didn’t cause them.

In our walk, we should remain open to the truth that we always have the opportunity to grow just as much as we have the opportunity to be offended.

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